Sometimes you´re great, sometimes you´re not.
On my first session with a client I wiĺl typically start with a simple “what brings you in today?" While there are a lot of directions this can take us, many times clients will say some version of not feeling ¨good enough.¨ They don't feel like they are doing enough, or ARE enough. Then, after many sessions and getting some background information, I will learn a couple things about the client.
First some insight into what led him or her to these feelings and beliefs in the first place (often diving into childhood, family of origin issues, and relationships) and what is done to perpetuate these beliefs about themselves in the present. Also, what are your expectations of yourself?
Our ¨self concept¨ is defined as ¨the idea or mental image one has of oneself and one's strengths, weaknesses, status, etc.; self-image.¨
I believe we all have inherent worth, simply because we are human beings. And we are all human beings with flaws, there’s no escaping that. If you believe in God or a Higher Power, you might recognize us all as children of God who are loved just because we are. If you take a more humanistic approach, or are atheist or agnostic, you might see this differently but still see that each of us has something to offer the world around us and is differently gifted. Therefore we have worth, because we are. And that’s something to feel good about.
At the same time, in order to like ourselves, we have to act in ways in which we are proud, are aligned with what we value, and be compassionate with ourselves while still holding ourselves accountable for good and healthy behaviors.
To truly feel our best, we need to know we make good, healthy, well thought-out decisions in spite of how we feel. Because we might not be feeling our best every second of every day. We get tired, cranky,sad, angry, etc. But We want to know that more often than not, we can get ourselves to make wise choices in everyday moments.
As human beings, we often want the easy way out. we want to just feel good! And we want to tell ourselves and others they're doing a great job! Even when we are not, and even when they are not. I find that sometimes, we want to feel good about ourselves just because it feels nice. we want people to love us just because ( And how lucky many of us are to find people that love us just because and in spite of ourselves.) But sometimes we want to feel good about ourselves, automatically, without recognizing the need to change our thinking patterns or our actions in order to get there. The truth is, when we screw up, make a bad judgment call, let our feelings completely takeover, hurt someone else, act lazy, mean, or entitled, we SHOULD feel badly. The trick is to use these human mistakes into learning experiences, not to rake ourselves over the coals with our mistakes. When we mess up we have an opportunity to better understand our own humanity and to make things better in the future.
Somehow, when we make good decisions even when we feel bad, 90% of the time, we feel a little bit better. at least eventually. The salad instead of the donut might not always feel great in the here and now, but you do get the satisfaction of making a better choice. When you don’t yell or get defensive to get a point across, you get a chance to practice self restraint and compassion for others, which are immensely valuable for life. Of course also, this doesn’t mean that we don’t have grace for ourselves in hard seasons of life, but that we hold ourselves accountable for how we act.
We are in the midst of a pandemic, a time when we have an opportunity to reflect and consider so much. We each can do a little check in with ourselves about how we need to grow.
If I am browsing through my newsfeed on social media, I have seen and (continue to see) two polarizing views on how to handle the pandemic, or really, how to handle life.
On one end of the spectrum, it's here is how to DO IT ALL! Work Full time, be a full time available e-learning parent/teacher, keep your family sanitized and healthy, do all the zooms, exercise daily, prechop all the veggies etc. On the other end of the spectrum, itś don't worry if all you did all day was eat cheetos on your couch, yell at your kids, drink a bottle of wine and binge --watch netflix, after all it's a pandemic!! Here are some pictures of my dirty house to validate that doing nothing all day long is fine and normal. I don’t find either type of example to be useful or ultimately helpful in feeling good about ourselves and our choices.
to simplify self-esteem: have compassion with yourself for having challenges (we all do) but also don't let yourself off the hook because things are hard. keep at it. And don’t expect that you can do everything at once.
I was listening to ¨the collapse of parenting¨ by Leonard Sax on Audible, and he referenced the Big 5 personality test. (For those of you who are not familiar, the big 5 includes measuring five traits- extraversion, openness to experience, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism. ) The ONLY trait that was found to be linked to overall happiness was conscientiousness. Since I would say it is fair to link happiness to higher self-esteem, this would mean that we are overall feeling at our best when we are behaving in a conscientiousness manner. that includes taking our responsibilities to ourselves, our loved ones, and our society seriously.
Another excellent point Sax made in his book is sometimes we overflate the importance of self-esteem and forget about the virtue of humility. We are not supposed to think we are great all the time, and we are not supposed to think we are better than others. In fact, kids who are praised TOO HIGHLY are likely to get a huge wake up call when they get older and may have to work harder than they thought in order to be successful, well-adjusted adults. Or they may miss out on an opportunity to fail and learn, or try new things that require sustained effort. They may have a false sense of their own ability which can lead to crushing disappointment.
Daniel Siegel, another favorite author of mine, tells us, ¨remember to remember.¨ How quickly can we forget the things we want to work on? It's amazing. We have to remember constantly what we want to work on for our self growth. even the most self-aware and wise people can have problematic thinking patterns or behaviors that they repeat more often then they'd like. And just the other day myself, after having a session with a client about the challenges of parenting, there I was, hours later, basically yelling at one of my kids. So I remind myself, I’m human, but also- this isn’t okay. We can't beat ourselves up, but we also can't let ourselves off the hook for bad behavior. I have People tell me over and over again ¨I thought I was passed this¨ or I feel like Iḿ back sliding.¨ I try to remind people (and myself) that the best we can do is learn and try again.
So opposing ideas can often both be true. Yes, you can be loved for who you are right now, but also, you have some growing to do. Yes, you can summon positive feelings about yourself before you make the right choice, but sometimes you just have to make the right choice first. The good feelings can come after.
